Sunday, December 26, 2010
A WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW
Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Saturday, November 6, 2010
REALITY IS FREQUENTLY INACCURATE!
"Reality is frequently inaccurate" — Douglas Adams, The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." — Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
MORE PUNS
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." — Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
MORE PUNS
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
DEEP THOUGHT FOR THOSE WHO TAKE THINGS WAY TO SERIOUS!
Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Things Way Too Serious
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What
you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
YOUR JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ONLY TALK TO ME!
If you live everyday as though it's your last, eventually it'll be appropriate
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Everybody is somebody else's wierdo.
Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, you'll get very wet.
Smile, and the world wonders what you're up to.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some things are just better rich.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
The meek shall inherit the Earth -- after we're done with it.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Life is like a box of chocolates... full of nuts
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Two wrongs don't make a right...But three lefts do
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Everybody is somebody else's wierdo.
Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, you'll get very wet.
Smile, and the world wonders what you're up to.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some things are just better rich.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
The meek shall inherit the Earth -- after we're done with it.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Life is like a box of chocolates... full of nuts
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Two wrongs don't make a right...But three lefts do
Saturday, September 4, 2010
IF GOD IS WATCHING THEN DO SOMETHING INTERESTING!
I love that title. You really should do something interesting... You know that we'll never get out of this life alive, so we might as well enjoy it. Have FUN.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
LAUGH AT YOUR PROBLEMS, EVERYONE ELSE DOES.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're -I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-When in doubt, mumble.
-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. Ugly too.
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're -I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
IF GOD IS WATCHING AT LEAST DO SOMETHING ENTERTAINING
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
-Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
-Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
-If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
-The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
-The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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