REALITY IS FREQUENTLY INACCURATE!

"Reality is frequently inaccurate" — Douglas Adams, The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe.

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless.

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." — Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later.


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.


5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count
that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


MORE PUNS

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.

Practice safe eating -- use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .

Oboe: An English tramp.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

DEEP THOUGHT FOR THOSE WHO TAKE THINGS WAY TO SERIOUS!

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Things Way Too Serious

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What
you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.