Thursday, December 1, 2011
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3.. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6.. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1.. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2.. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7... Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12.. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Here are the winners:
1.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3.. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6.. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1.. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2.. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7... Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12.. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
LEXIPHILES
A lexiphile is a lover of words, in other words, people who are fascinated by words and language. This word is derived from the Greek roots for 'word' and for 'love.'
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW
Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Saturday, November 6, 2010
REALITY IS FREQUENTLY INACCURATE!
"Reality is frequently inaccurate" — Douglas Adams, The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." — Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
MORE PUNS
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." — Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
MORE PUNS
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes
from morons?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick:: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston .
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
DEEP THOUGHT FOR THOSE WHO TAKE THINGS WAY TO SERIOUS!
Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Things Way Too Serious
- A day without sunshine is like...night.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Remember, half the people you know are below average.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What
you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
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